May 26, 2022: Heart & Soul: Anger
Heart & Soul: Anger
Psalm 44:9-26
Rev. Rhonda Blevins
Yet you have rejected us and shamed us
and have not gone out with our armies.
You made us turn back from the foe,
and our enemies have gotten spoil.
You have made us like sheep for slaughter
and have scattered us among the nations.
You have sold your people for a trifle,
demanding no high price for them.
You have made us the taunt of our neighbors,
the derision and scorn of those around us.
You have made us a byword among the nations,
a laughingstock among the peoples.
All day long my disgrace is before me,
and shame has covered my face
at the words of the taunters and revilers,
at the sight of the enemy and the avenger.
All this has come upon us,
yet we have not forgotten you
or been false to your covenant.
Our heart has not turned back,
nor have our steps departed from your way,
yet you have broken us in the haunt of jackals
and covered us with deep darkness.
If we had forgotten the name of our God
or spread out our hands to a strange god,
would not God discover this?
For he knows the secrets of the heart.
Because of you we are being killed all day long
and accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
Rouse yourself! Why do you sleep, O Lord?
Awake, do not cast us off forever!
Why do you hide your face?
Why do you forget our affliction and oppression?
For we sink down to the dust;
our bodies cling to the ground.
Rise up, come to our help.
Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love.
______
This week we continue the series I’m calling “Heart & Soul”—exploring what our human emotions can teach us about life and faith. We’re looking at some of the Psalms to help us in our quest because one would be hard-pressed to find a human emotion that isn’t expressed in the Psalms somewhere.
So in the first week of the series we explored fear, and we heard the Psalmist cry out to God, “Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck.” (Psalm 69:1) Last week we looked at surprise, specifically awe, as we heard the Psalmist exclaim: “When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars that you have established; what are humans that you are mindful of them?” (Psalm 8:3-4a) I gave you some homework that you might foster awe—journaling about an experience of awe you had in the past or taking an “awe walk” that you might intentionally experience awe through the beauty of nature. I hope you experienced the wonderful emotion of awe!
This week we explore a less pleasant emotion: anger. I begin with a story about an elderly couple sitting down for dinner one evening. The husband takes a deep breath and says to his wife, “Honey, I’m so sorry for how often I take my anger out on you. How do you manage to stay so calm when I explode like that?” She looks up from her food and says, “Well, I always just go clean the toilet whenever you do that.” Surprised by her response, the husband says, “Really? That helps?” Confidently, the wife says, “Of course it does, because I use your toothbrush.”[1]
This, my friends, is a perfect example of passive aggressive behavior. I don’t recommend this. You’re familiar with passive aggressive behavior, right? Now I’m not passive aggressive like some people. J
When I was growing up, one of my chores was to set the table for dinner every night. On nights when I was angry at my older brother, and having little recourse because he was older and bigger and stronger, I would rub his plate on my head a few times before setting it on the table. Passive aggressive much, little Rhonda?
A hallmark of the passive-aggressive person is that he or she believes life will only get worse if other people know of his anger, so he expresses his thoughts and feelings indirectly, through characteristic behaviors as withdrawing from conversations . . . sulking, procrastinating, carrying out tasks at sub-standard levels, sabotaging group efforts, and spreading rumors or discontent behind the scenes.[2]
I’m sure you don’t know anyone like that. (Sarcasm is often passive aggressive, by the way).
Passive aggressive behavior is still aggressive even if it’s coated in honey. “Bless her heart,” for instance. Still aggressive.
Aggressive behavior is overt, often spontaneous and unplanned acts of anger that aims to hurt or destroy someone or something or to threaten the same.
But there’s a way to deal with our anger that is neither aggressive nor passive aggressive. It’s called being “assertive.”
Aggression is a violent reaction to anger; passive aggressive behavior is all about masking anger. But assertive behavior is different. “Assertiveness is about making friends with anger—owning it—and giving it a voice in a way that does not hurt or depreciate anyone else.”[3]
Let me offer an example of a husband asking a wife to pick up his dry cleaning:
Aggressive Request: “The least you could do is pick up my dry cleaning! And don’t forget this time like you did last week! You never do anything right around here!”
Passive-Aggressive Request: “After you get your pedicure or do whatever it is you do all day while I'm at work, would you mind picking up my dry cleaning for me? That is, if you are not too busy.”
Assertive Request: “Will you please pick up my dry cleaning for me on your way home tonight?"
Hold onto that as we turn to our scripture lesson, from Psalm 44. In this Psalm, we find the psalmist angry. The psalmist believes that God has completely forsaken the people of Israel, leaving Israel vulnerable to a powerful foe. The psalmist confronts God with this accusation:
You have rejected us and shamed us
and have not gone out with our armies.
You made us turn back from the foe,
and our enemies have gotten spoil.
You have made us like sheep for slaughter
and have scattered us among the nations.
You have sold your people for a trifle,
Moreover, the psalmist is angry with God because he sees no wrongdoing on Israel’s part. “But we’ve been good boys and girls,” the psalmist reminds God. “Why would You allow suffering to befall us when we’ve been good? Why is this bad thing happening to us good people, God?”
The psalmist is angry with God and lets God hear about it. And in his anger, he isn’t aggressive: there’s no violence or threat of retribution. “Because you did this to us, God, I’m going to lead the people worship Baal.” None of that. Likewise, there’s no passive aggressive behavior—no sarcasm. “OK God, sure, we’ll be happy to be slaughtered by our enemies! Go ahead! Becoming slaves to our enemies! Exactly what we want!” Yeah, none of that either.
The psalmist is angry with God, makes no aggressive moves, offers no passive-aggressive sarcasm. Instead, in his anger, the psalmist is assertive. He names his beef. He owns his anger. The psalmist is expressing his anger in a healthy manner.
Have you ever been angry with God? Maybe you’re angry with God even now. God is big enough to handle our anger. There are plenty of instances in the Bible where we find people expressing their anger at God.
In the New Testament, there are numerous stories of people being angry at Jesus. Oftentimes it was outsiders angry with him—people like the Pharisees or Sadducees or Scribes. Occasionally, Jesus’ followers were angry with him. Like one time when Jesus was on a boat with some of his disciples, and Jesus was fast asleep when a storm raged and tossed the boat to and fro.
Jesus was inside the boat, sleeping with his head on a pillow. The followers went and woke him. They said, “Teacher, don’t you care about us? We are going to drown!” Jesus stood up and gave a command to the wind and the water. He said, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind stopped, and the lake became calm. He said to his followers, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (Mark 4:38-40 ERV)
Notice something about this passage: the disciples approach Jesus, angry with him for not intervening. But when Jesus uses the occasion as a teachable moment, what did say? Did he ask them “Why are you angry?” No. Jesus said, “Why are you afraid?”
Why?
Jesus rightly recognized that underneath their anger and their accusations, the disciples were afraid.
You see, anger is most often a secondary emotion. By that I mean that usually some other emotion arises first, then we resort to anger to protect ourselves or to cover up vulnerable feelings. Primary feelings might be fear (as it was for the disciples in the story about Jesus on the boat). Other primary emotions might be shame or sadness or surprise.
You might think of anger as the tip of the iceberg—the visible part above the surface—but underneath the water, the iceberg there could hold any number of primary emotions from grief to regret to loneliness. But maybe we don’t know how to express those emotions. But we know how to do anger. So we do anger.
This is especially true for men in our culture. Our culture is really hard on men when it comes to emotions—there are only two, maybe three, socially acceptable emotions for men in our culture. Psychologists can’t agree on what the second or third socially acceptable emotions are for men, but you know what emotion they do agree on as socially acceptable for men? Anger. So men, the next time you notice yourself angry, stop and ask yourself, what’s underneath this anger? Nine times out of ten (maybe more) you’ll discover something else going on underneath the surface.
Now for the women. While anger is a socially acceptable emotion for men, it’s the opposite for women. For women, it is socially acceptable to express fear or sadness or exhaustion or tenderness, but not anger. There are special words people use to call assertive women—women who express anger. For women, the next time you find yourself being passive aggressive, manipulative, or sarcastic, stop and ask yourself, why am I being passive aggressive? What am I angry about?
Here’s the deal: we all experience anger. The question is what we do with our anger.
In a Ted Talk by Juna Mustad, she suggests that we think about anger like a child: we don’t want it to drive the car, but we don’t want to stuff it in the trunk either.
Too often when we feel angry, we react instead of respond. That’s like putting four-year-old you in the driver seat. Not a good idea! Sometimes we resist instead of respond. We pretend we’re not angry, so we stuff our anger in the trunk. Also not a good idea! The body keeps the score when we do that. These are destructive responses to anger.
But there are constructive responses as well. When we can befriend our anger, we discover that anger asks two things of us:
1. Anger asks us to see clearly.
2. Anger bids us to take action.
Think about a situation that made you angry recently. (There’s plenty going on in the world to choose from!) Ask your anger:
1. What do I need to see right now that I’ve been unwilling to face?
2. Who or what needs to be protected or supported?
3. What action do I need to take?
When our anger is righteous, a righteous response is required. Like the psalmist, writing down Israel’s angry groans, helping God’s people articulate anger for thousands of years now—this is the psalmist’s righteous response to the anger burning inside him.
Here’s your “Heart & Soul” homework this week, in handy dandy alliterative form. The next time you find yourself angry (or acting passive aggressively if you’re an anger stuffer):
· Break. Stop the knee-jerk reaction and choose to respond.
· Breathe. Return to your breath which helps your autonomous nervous system relax.
· Beneath. Ask if anything is beneath the surface anger? Sadness or fear or rejection.
· Befriend. Welcome your anger. Ask it what you need to see more clearly and what action your anger is asking you to take.
Today we close with a hymn text I wrote for this occasion. It’s a prayer that God would inhabit our anger—that our anger would be righteous anger and that our righteous anger would fuel works of justice and mercy.
So may our anger help us see clearly and offer righteous acts of peace and justice and mercy. And in the words of the Apostle Paul from the book of Ephesians: “Be angry and do not sin.” (Ephesians 4:26)
In Our Anger, God Attend Us
TUNE: Hyfrydol
In our anger, God attend us; in our rage, Your peace instill,
As we work against injustice, as we seek to do Your will.
Spirit, fuel our indignation when oppression has its way.
Set in us Your expectation for a bright and holy day.
But when anger tells a story of more selfish, childish ways,
When frustration hides Your glory, when harsh language veils Your praise,
God, forgive our quick, ill-tempers; grow in us the way of peace.
May Your patience burn as embers; in our hearts, Your love, increase.
Plant in us Your grace and mercy, with each breath, Your presence know.
In our souls, all ire and fury be from heaven sent below.
But when anger fuels some action that brings harm another’s way,
Tune our hearts to your compassion; help us all our debts repay.
Now with heart and soul we offer praise and honor unto You.
Help our righteous anger proffer works of justice, mercy too.
Hardened hearts, restore to kindness, arrogance to modesty.
May we always seek Your goodness; set our souls at liberty.
[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbVBsrNnBy8
[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201406/passive-aggressive-vs-assertive-behavior-in-relationships
[3] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201406/passive-aggressive-vs-assertive-behavior-in-relationships